life: i'm the worrier

i'm most definitely the worrier in the family.
i stress about things that haven't even come to pass.
i worry about outcomes that sometimes aren't even plausible.
it's compulsive, and i can't help it.
i get this pinching feeling in the top of my neck where it meets my shoulders...
and shortly after that comes the migraines.
if the anxiety about whatever the problem wasn't enough, the neck pain & headache usually do me in.
then i'm grouchy & quiet (which is probably good cause i'm grouchy).
i pull away from things i enjoy & i go into survival mode.
carrying out the mundane tasks that make up day to day life.

i've been in this state for about a month.
i haven't talked much about it, here or out loud..
haven't posted one of those mysterious 'stuff sucks right now, but i'm not going to tell you what' status updates on facebook...
because those things are really, REALLY annoying.
.............plus i'm not one to ask for prayers
but i'll tell you i've done a whole lot of hoping in the last month...
and in my head, if those can be called prayers, then i've been going at it non-stop for that long too.

about a month ago my oma (my dad's mother) went to the emergency room.
she has a pacemaker & had been complaining of chest pain for a few days.
almost a week in the hospital, stress tests & i'm sure a battery of other tests left them with no clear source of the pain.
but she was losing weight rapidly, and not eating well.
she kept complaining of pain in her chest.
they decided to do some sort of swallow test.. i think.
whatever the test was, it resulted in her being diagnosed with a syndrome called Barrett's esophagus.

Barrett's esophagus is a disorder in which the lining of the esophagus (the tube that carries food from the throat to the stomach) is damaged by stomach acid and changed to a lining similar to that of the stomach.

from what i can gather, my grandmother has MULTIPLE lesions along the lining of her throat.
what was scary about that, other than the amount of pain she was in..
is that they biopsied the lesions, because often times this Barrett's crap can lead to cancer.

and i don't care who you are,
when the word 'cancer' enters the conversation, it walks in hand & hand, with worry.

so during the LOOONG wait to get the results..
it was also found her oxygen saturation was low..
so.... she was put on oxygen & released to go home.
only to end up BACK in the er the following day for leg pain.

the leg pain turned out to be nothing serious (no clots, etc)
& she was again sent home.

and then my dad & aunts made the tough decision to put her in a nursing home temporarily.
she was in need of physical therapy & more assistance than she would have gotten living at home, alone.

she went in last week right before the wedding...
and then when we came home with a bug, i figured it best to wait a little to go see her.
today, with some hesitation, i went in to see her.

the hesitation... i HATE nursing homes.
they are sad places to me.
full of forgotten people, lost to themselves & time.
(and after reading 'water for elephants' it's a place that makes me even more sad, if it's possible)
the whole place breaks my heart alone..
i just want to visit with every single person & then take them home with me.
but the last time i was in this very home, was the last time i saw my great-grandmother.
my nana. (my oma's mother)
that was almost 13 years ago, and the memory still haunts me, because the person i visited was just a shell of who my nana was.

but, today was good & oma was more vibrant than i've seen in quite some time.
we chatted & rance wandered the room & flirted with more girls than i can count.
it was a good visit. a great visit.
and i'm so happy to know that after all my worrying, she's cancer-free.

CANCER FREE.

words that bring with them a breath you didn't know you were holding.

and while i'm reveling in that news..
other parts of my heart are breaking.

the same day my oma went into the er..
up in north carolina, my nonnie (my father's step-mom) went in as well.
she's been back in since, and to the best of my knowledge, she's suffered from a stroke & lost vision in one eye.

my best friend lost her grandmother earlier this week..
another friend lost her grandmother a few weeks ago..
a month ago a good friend of my husband's family passed away..
and yesterday his twenty-something year old pregnant daughter started bleeding, they had to take the baby, who is now on life-support & the daughter died. died! i can't wrap my head around the sorrow that family is experiencing right now. and the three children she left behind, my heart breaks for them.

and today would have been the 50th anniversary for my husband's grandparents.
his grandfather passed away in august, after a long long fight with diabetes & dialysis.
it's a day that i know is difficult for any widow the first year after their spouse passes...
and that pain is only ratcheted up for his grandmother, because they had intended to renew their vows this year in a full ceremony.
the excitement his grandfather had for this day was kinda beautiful to see..


so ya. i'm a worrier.
and sometimes i let it get the best of me.
my brain spins off & without me knowing it, robs me of the enjoyment of the moment.

my heart is simultaneously breaking, swelling, & being warmed.
if that's possible.

and still in the background is a change i haven't been willing to face.
a time passed i don't want to acknowledge.
a rift increasing daily, though i want to grab hold & close the gap.

i'm just gonna say it. sometimes.... life, it's a bitch.
but picking up the pieces & trying to move forward is part of the grand scheme i suppose.

sheesh.

xo-k

ps. can i just end with this? the new 'footloose'... i wanted to hate it, just because of my utter devotion to the bacon version (harhar) but..i didn't... as much as i loved! chris penn, this miles kid nailed willard home. but bacon was SUCH a better ren... and hello bad song remakes! the only acceptable one was blake shelton's version of the theme song!