life: forgiveness

*i hestitate to post this... but i figure i've always been honest with what's in my head & on my heart.. why stop now?*

i should be washing dishes & finishing laundry right now. the hubs has been pulling uniforms from the dryer all week. both bathrooms need to be cleaned, the dude's especially since it seems as if he threw himself a little water park party last night while taking a bath. i have a 'to do list' a mile long, and things are hardly getting crossed off this week. i'm lacking the physical motivation to get things done...

what i am doing is still reading sookie books. it feels like an escape for me, though nothing in my life right now warrants any sort of need for mental escape. i know i've slightly abandoned my blog this week, but i have tried to keep the debbie downer in me to myself.

i've got a sea of thoughts i am swimming in every time i put my book down. i feel like my mind is elsewhere, floating in a pool of constant reflection. i had a long, long talk with my mom last night. it started out as a lighthearted conversation about my aunt's upcoming wedding & turned to something not so lighthearted. it has only added more turbulence in that ocean of contemplation today.

i've decided that even though i do my best to put myself in other shoes, to see their side of things... i find that there are some things that i have a hard time letting go of.... i have a hard time forgiving someone & letting go. i also have a hard time biting my tongue when it comes to people delibrately hurting other people.  (i'm sure i'm not alone in that one) i wish that time was more efficient at removing the anger of the past. most days it is, but sometimes, something will sneak it's way back into my memory & it makes me angry all over again.

i'm a pretty smart girl. i figure i'm fairly intuitive when it comes to people. i'm a pretty good judge of character.. i'm pretty sure that's a trait i picked up from my mama. but for the life of me, i can't figure out why some people act the way the do. i don't get selfishness. i don't get being materialistic. i truly don't understand the point of vengeance & being vindictive. my brother & i had our share of ups & downs as kids, but as adults, i certainly don't get sibling rivalry. my mom drives me insane sometimes & i lose my patience & lash out at her. i'm a smart mouth... always have been. i'm human. but unlike my teenage pain in the ass self, i quickly realize i'm in the wrong & apologize. it's so uncalled for. i don't get anger. or hatred.

i feel overwhelmed with sadness. people can amaze me with their kindness, & then swiftly blow me away with their sheer malice. my heart feels heavy under the weight of such hatred.

*warning.. this next part is not nice. as in.. i can't believe the horrible things people are capable of not nice*

along with everything else my head is consumed with these days... i read a story about a 15 year old boy in my hometown this morning. it was not a good story. not at all. i actually sat back in the computer chair, filled with shock & started crying. in sheer disbelief that i was actually reading what i was reading. this 15 year old boy was lured by two teenage girls into a house where there were two teenage boys laying in wait to kill him. KILL HIM. they apparently hated this boy so much they sat down & hashed out a plan to kill him. these two teenage boys beat him, then shot him, put him in a bathtub & broke both kneecaps, then when they saw he wasn't dead, shot him again. proceeded to hog tie him, stuff him in a sleeping bag & burn him. then they shoveled his remains into empty paint cans & cleaned the crime scene with bleach. afterward the stepfather of one of the boys, knowing what happened, took the boy out of the county for fear he would be captured.

i can't help but feel like something, at some point, went horribly wrong in all of their lives & the hatred is just cycling back again & again. that is so not an excuse,  just an observation. people do horrible things to other people.

there is a meanness & deceitfulness in people that i can't comprehend.

i have absolutely no idea what the point of this post was or is. forgive me for burdening you with it. forgive someone who hurt you instead of holding that hatred in your heart. hatred is a horrible thing that can twist your heart into something unrecognizable. i may have a hard time forgiving, but thankfully i have been able to let go of the hatred in my heart. i wouldn't say letting go is blissful, but turning away has made my heart lighter.

i hope you find forgiveness where you seek it & give it where it is needed.

xo-k