things i'm afraid to tell you: 6.15.12

i read this post by michelle over at scissor quirk.. then jumped over to the blog she linked as her inspiration goodnight little spoon. both posts were refreshing. there is something about bloggers who let you in on the downs in their lives that's refreshing. if i'm honest, those blogs that i keep going back to, they are full of the downs. i relate to the downs. and it always makes those ups soo much more sweet.

i know i've done something similar in my confessions post sometime last year, even though i never finished out the list.. but i wanted to do it again. so here goes. things i'm afraid to tell you.

//i'm kind of addicted to facebook. let me clarify. i'm addicted to social media. instagram. blogs. facebook. that's not to be confused with sitting on my butt all day watching feeds.. but i do check them probably more than the normal person. why? because somehow it makes me feel like i've got more social interaction going on than i do. i'm such a homebody i never thought i'd be so starved for adult interaction & conversation. but i am. funny thing is, when i get the opportunity for adult conversation, i never seem to have much to talk about!

//i have a hard time saying no. anytime someone asks me to do something, i say yes. most of the time without even thinking it through. often times that leads to disagreements between the hubs & i. i never thought of myself as a people pleaser, but i pretty much would do anything for the people i surround myself with... so saying yes just seems like the right thing to do to show i care. he isn't against me doing things for our friends & family... but sometimes i forget to consider how whatever i've agreed to will affect him, and that's not fair to him. i'm trying to be better about thinking things through first.

//i leave dirty dinner dishes in the sink overnight. it's against everything my mom ever taught me, and i'd be humiliated if i died in the night & someone had to swoop in & clean up after me... but i still do it. i try to rationalize it by saying that after the kids are bathed & in bed i have to take the time for me.. but i still wouldn't want anyone to come visit me after 8pm & see my kitchen.

//sometimes i feel guilty that i don't go to church..or that i don't take the kids to church. i have such mixed feelings about religion vs. organized religion, that when i start to consider everything my head & heart hurt. most days i'm not sure what i believe, and that sort of scares me. i was raised baptist, and shouldn't have any mixed feelings... but i do. i believe in kindness. i believe in seeking out the good in people. i felt such a huge amount of relief when during a phone conversation with my brother recently, he admitted to having the same doubts. here was someone raised the same as i was, having the same thoughts. it was such a comfort. he recommended i read a book called 'blue like jazz' that he had just read. i just haven't picked it up yet.

//on the religion thing.. i read this post from a blogger, who i will not point at.. that said she wasn't going to read 'fifty shades' because 'decent' people shouldn't read it. she went further to say that it was a sin to read it & God wouldn't approve, etc, etc. the whole thing made me incredibly angry. i wanted to post that i was a DECENT person & that i read it.. but there were SO many comments in her favor, i felt like it would be putting myself in the line of fire. i had to step away & calm myself. it felt like one of those arguments where 'Christian's' claim God hates gays. i never was taught about a God who hated anyone or anything, so i just don't get that. (it's part of my problem with organized religion) i wanted to tout something about how the next thing would be burning the book in an effigy, and remind them that at one point in history the bible, the sacred BOOK, was banned & burned. i'm not trying to be an advocate for the book. i'm not going to force it down any one's throat. a few years ago, i would have been totally uncomfortable reading it. my issue is with the fact that this person thinks that reading a work of fiction makes me NOT a decent person. i have a friend that i met online, who is very involved in her church, and whom i respect a great deal.. she is an avid reader, a fantastic mother, and someone who inspires me... and never once has she condemned me for my book choices. (you know who you are ;)

//i don't watch the news because my heart can't take it. the world is so depressing & oppressing sometimes i can't take it. literally. if i watched the news i would curl up into the fetal position & hide in my bathtub & never come out. woman microwaving their babies. teachers convincing kids to cut themselves to release evil spirits. a new tv show called 'i killed my bff'. (i mean, is there really enough of those situations to make a tv show out of it?!!) i feel like such a lame-ass because i avoid the bad stuff, but i don't know how to help.

//i have no ambition in life, and that makes me feel like a loser. i feel defective because i don't have a 'goal' in life. that same friend from above, talked me through the decision to become a stay at home mom. she comes from a community where NOT being a stay at home mom is the exception to the rule. while it was always a dream of mine to have kids & a family, i haven't (in two years) felt like it's acceptable to NOT have some other attainable goal in life. it makes me sad that i feel this way, 'cause i know it's a reflection of societies placement of success on wealth. it's not about the money for me. i'm perfectly proud of our small house & modest accomplishments. i'm EXTREMELY proud of my husband for carrying us. i'm just not shouting 'i'm a stay at home mama' from the rooftops.

//more than the fact that i'm always the photographer, you don't often see pictures of me because i'm ashamed of how i've ended up. pictures have always been like reality slapping me fast & hard across the face. but it makes me sad that there aren't more pictures of us together as a family, or me with the kids, because of my shame. it's one of the MANY reasons i'm not giving in or giving up this fight with my health. doctors, genetics, & my two-post baby aging body be damned, i've taken things into my own hands to figure out what works for me. (& so far so good)

there ya have it. all the stuff weighing so heavy on my heart that i can't seem to open my mouth about it. lately i've resorted to becoming the court jester vs. letting onto what's going on inside. obviously that's not healthy, so here it is. (well, most of it, anyways)

what are you afraid to say?

xo-k

books: lords of the underworld

i've decided that there are some serious upsides to the kindle.
while i miss the heft of a book, and turning the pages...
there is totally an upside in the cover not giving me away.

... ya. the dude totally calls me out on the vampire books.
whichever ones they may be...
he knows the twilight covers..
and the sookie covers are pretty much a dead giveaway (har har. dead)
and i had to hide away the covers while reading the black dagger brotherhood.
mostly from the dude, but also from the hubs.. because he totally makes fun of me.

and ya.. i think i've sunk to an all time low.
i got the first book in this series & was like huh, okay.. it's free i'll give it a try..
it wasn't until i went back to get the second book that i noticed the (HQN) next to the titles.
HQN? i asked myself.. what the heck does that...
O M G. HARLEQUIN?! as in ROMANCE?!
yep. harlequin. as in romance.
as in those books ladies hide in the grocery aisles with, covered in pictures of steamy couples intertwined.
his long hair blowing in the wind, big poofy shirt hung open.. her draped all over him like a bad accident.
harlequin romance.
i sorta hung my head in shame when i realized it.
then i purchased the next book & said, oh well! no looking back now.

i figured diving into a harlequin romance series was only appropriate given it's february.
ya know, the month of L O V E...
so, another confession.
i am reading harlequin romance.
(why is that so embarassing?)

in truth.. i'm actually fascinated by the story line.
i know i'll likely not convince you.. but it's the truth.
i wasn't lying when i said i was kinda over vampires, and witches & the like..
but the 'lords of the underworld' while paranormal, is something totally different.
it revolves around greek mythology, something that's always fascinated me.
(i took every religion class offered at the local community college, so that says a lot right?)
anyways, with out giving too much away..

(how would i explain these covers to the dude?! i wouldn't EVER want to!!!)

there was a group of warriors who were the guardians of the greek gods a loong time ago.
a female warrior, pandora, was chosen to guard a box that contained several of the most evil demons.
yep, pandora's box, a box made from the bones of the goddess of oppression.
the male warriors (and one female) were ticked off that a female was chosen for such a task.
so in revenge, they set the demons free, to prove how unworthy she was.
they had plans to collect the demons & again imprison them..
only the box went missing during the scuffle, and as punishment, each of the warriors was forced to imprison a demon within their own body...... for all time.

like i said. pretty interesting.
if you like greek mythology.
or....ahem.. harlequin romance novels...... ya.
still so lame sounding.
oh well ;)

xo-k

ps. are you on goodreads? if so- add me! :)
pss. if it's at all redeeming, i just finished up another one in the 'southern fraud series' & am moving onto a book called 'farm girl' that's supposedly for people who liked little house on the prairie... no? oh well i tried! :)

life: i threw away my scale

i did it. i threw away my bathroom scale.

and i feel good about it.

it has ruled my life for far too long.

you see, i'm not a small girl. i'm not even a curvy girl. i'm just plain old overweight.

to say i struggle with my weight is like the understatement of the year.

i've had my thyroid tested a dozen times since i was a teenager.

i've also tried weight watchers, slim fast, south beach, & the atkins diet.

i've seen doctors & nutritionists & gone to the metabolic research center.

i've exercised myself until my limbs were jell-o.

and i've stuck with all of them.

i've dropped weight, but i ALWAYS hit a 20lb wall.

it's the same for many i suppose, that 20lb barrier, the 'plateau' as they call it.

but here's the thing.

the plateau, and the scale, are my arch nemesis!!

because i, like most people trying hard to lose weight, need to SEE the results.

i need a stupid scale to show movement, or i get discouraged.

and for me, sometimes the plateau's last for a few weeks.

and in that few weeks, something in my resolve & spirit breaks.

and i get emotional, and because i'm an emotional eater.. i EAT.

i eat all those horrible comfort foods i shouldn't.

ice cream. bread. macaroni & cheese.

and then the cycle starts all over again when i wake up hating myself after a week of indulging.

so.. i threw away my scale.

it's only taken me... 15 years to cut the ties.

15 years to change my mindset.

i refuse to be ruled by a stupid number on a scale.

so.. the change in diet will continue on, as it has for the last few months..

and the exercise will be looked at as time with my boys, or by myself..

instead of a dreaded component of dieting & losing weight.

we have been pushing towards clean eating for the last few months

& we are going to start cutting gluten out of our diet.

the whole thing is sort of daunting & overwhelming..

but i'm trying to take deep breaths & work on what to eat each day.

if i can convince stephen to cut white sugar out of his diet..

i figure i can do anything.

xo-k

thirty-two confessions: part 1

i've opened & closed a new post about three times over the past few days.
i have things i want to say, things i want to share...
but the words just aren't coming out of me yet..
and instead of forcing them, i'm going to give them time to come out on their own.

instead. i bring you thirty two confessions.
my birthday was last week, i turned thirty two.
it seems a little unreal that i'm an age i can remember my parents being.

so thirty-two confessions.
(things you may or may not have known about me.)

1. both of my children were conceived with the help of a fertility drug. we tried on our own for over a year with each, with no success, and i felt so helpless. i felt like God was sending me a message that i shouldn't be a parent, and days when i lose my patience & feel like the worst mother ever, i am reminded of that feeling all over again.

2. for all the pictures i take, and all the pictures i've taken that i absolutely love... i have not one single picture up in my house. none. not even a tabletop frame. it's mostly because i'm too cheap to buy picture frames.

3. i 'ran' away from home when i was 18. my mom embarrassed me in front of strangers & i overreacted. i left our place of business, went home & packed up a weeks worth of clothes. i headed straight for the only place i could think to go, the best friend's house. i say 'ran' away.. because within a few hours of being there, my mom called the bf's grandmother to make sure i was safe. because i'm just THAT lame about rebelling, she knew exactly where i'd be.

4. i can't remember being one of those little girls who dreams about growing up & getting married. i can remember being in love with alex p. keaton & thinking how cool it would be to be like 'kate & allie'. i apparently overlooked the fact they were both divorcee's & single parents. i also loved the facts of life... apparently i didn't catch the fact they went to an all girls school, cause that would have been lame.

5. ice cream is not safe in my house. i can take out a gallon in less than three days. that's a sad, embarrassing admission, but it's true. i am not ashamed to say i have eaten ice cream, for breakfast... i will however hide the fact that i'm eating it from my children.

6. i struggle with self confidence. despite the fact that i'm overweight, it has nothing to do with my appearance. it has to do with my abilities. cooking, parenting, blogging, crafting, scrapbooking, baking, photographing. i seek constant approval. when someone says they like a picture i posted, or comments on something i've baked, i feel like i can breathe after having held my breath forever.

7. i lost the three best friends i had in highschool, over the course of 4 years. because of this i'm insecure of how good of a friend i am.. i always second guess myself. (i do however, still have some friends from highschool, that have become wonderful friends)

8. i let my kids watch more than 30 minutes of tv a day. ya, even the baby. the tv is always on... but they are not always in front of it. i can't stand silence, sometimes it's the only way my head gets a break from itself.

9. i have a few things i'm 'good' at. scrapbooking, baking, photography, writing, embroidery, general crafting.... but i'm not GREAT at any one thing. some days i'd trade being able to do lots of things 'good' for the ability to do one thing AMAZING.

10. i struggle tremendously with faith. i want to believe. i want to feel His presence. i can't get in line with a church. i feel like if there is a God, a true all-seeing all-knowing divine being... then it wouldn't matter if you got yourself dressed to sit for an hour to 'act' like a christian... what would matter were the acts you did in your everyday life. my best friend said it right when she said 'going to church doesn't make you a christian anymore than standing in your garage makes you a car'. i believe that life is a miracle... that you should do your best to be a good person... that you should think beyond your own needs, and that with everything in nature, there is a balance... and so i believe there is evil in the world as well.
11. i have let my kids go to bed in the same clothes they wore all day, without a bath. no one is going to die if there is a crumb from funnel cake they ate at the carnival in their bed... or if there is chlorine in their hair from a day at the pool. i consider my being too tired to care about it when it happens, or their being so tired i have to tote them in from the car asleep, a day well lived. i can wash the sheets and THEM tomorrow.

12. i own an iron, but i don't iron. last thing i ironed was freezer paper to this tshirt. before that? it was more freezer paper to another tshirt in july.. and prior to that, i can't tell you when it was last used. that's why my dryer is my second most favorite household appliance next to my dishwasher.

13. i feel guilty because i am a stay at home mom, and i didn't make all rance's baby food from scratch. i don't have a good reason, other than it just didn't occur to me.

14. i have a irrational fear of the dentist, but i didn't always. i had two wisdom teeth out when i was 18/19... i had to have fill put in for a front tooth i chipped while horsing around with my brother & mom, around the same time. all of it was no big deal. but a few years ago i went in for my first check up since the dude was born (i know too long..) and they told me i had something like 10 cavities. it took everything i had to keep it together until i got in the car. i was hyperventilating & sobbing when i called my best friend (and boss at the time) to tell her i couldn't go back to work. when i called my mom after she thought someone had died i was so worked up. and just for the record, they both laughed at me once i got out that i had cavities.... for the first time in my life.. at 28. it only made the dreams i had through my first pregnancy of losing my teeth that much more scary when i had them again with my second child!

15. i REALLY REALLY want to open an esty shop. REALLY. but because i'm mediocre at soo many things, i have no idea what kind of stuff to make to sell..... and if i don't open a shop to sell, then no one can NOT buy from me.

16. i stopped blogging as much, not so much because i didn't have anything to say.. but because i was obsessed with the stats. i was so worried about how many people were viewing whatever it was that i was posting, that i felt like i was changing what i posted. i stopped posting personal stuff, because it seemed like no one was interested. i felt like i couldn't post unless it was a recipe or a craft. pinterest just made it that much worse. so i stepped away to regain some clarity on why i blog in the first place. it's to put those thoughts that i can't seem to verbalize out there. so i don't feel alone. even if no one answers.

17. once, when i was a kid, i hid for a few hours, i think to see if anyone noticed i was gone. i think i was about 12 or 13. i walked home from the bus stop, no one was home, took a book & a blanket & went and hid in the shed behind our house. it took a few hours, but i think someone finally came looking for me. and it was like 'oh, there you are.' it was really lame, but i think both of my parents were working two jobs at the time, and i just felt invisible & needed a little extra attention. i think about that sometimes & try to make a little extra time to invest in whatever the dude is doing..

(i should just clarify at this point... i have AMAZING parents. they both came from nothing & worked hard for what we had as kids... which meant they both worked two jobs... most of my childhood. that meant missed softball games & school events. they would have found the time to give me that extra attention, had i asked for it.. but i was an emotional teen (as well as an adult) and i think i probably acted like a little brat no one would want to be around, instead of coming to talk to them)

18. my husband & i argue in front of my kids. i know what you are thinking.. that's bad, right? we don't fight about something that deals with the kids, i should make that clear. we argue about little things. i always believed kids shouldn't see their parents fight. i never saw mine fight... but i honestly don't know that my parents have EVER argued. EVER. when the hubs & i first got married we used to fight all the time. i had never lived away from home, neither of us had ever lived with anyone else, he was in the military, we had NO money, and i was NOT digging the 'doting housewife' crap he was trying to lay on me. i thought all the fighting meant we shouldn't have gotten married, because, like i said, my parents never fought. i want my kids to see a healthy relationship, so they don't go through what i went through. i want them to see that two people who love each other can disagree & get passed it. i want them to see the whole picture.

19. i was devastated when i found out that rance was a boy. and with that, i felt tremendously guilty because even though i was incredibly grateful to be pregnant, i was disappointed with the gender, while others were still TRYING to get pregnant. i made my husband, who was excited, keep it a secret for almost a month until i could get my emotions under control. i didn't tell anyone, not my best friend or my mom. i felt so ashamed. we took mason to the ultrasound & he told his teacher the next day he wanted to make his mama a card because i was upset because i was having a boy. this is NOT something i/we said to him... but at 5 he apparently read through the tears & my emotions afterwards. i still feel guilty when i think about it, because i couldn't imagine loving any child more or differently than i love rance. i put this out there because i felt SO alone until i find a message board that talked about gender disappointment. it was a comfort to know that i wasn't the only one struggling.

20. on valentine's day...a  long long time ago (12 or 13 years ago maybe?) my friend heather & i took a trip to daytona beach with the sole purpose of her getting her tongue pierced. i watched her do it, cringed when they put the barbel in, and thought she was crazy. 10 minutes after we left & were walking down the boardwalk we turned around & went back so i could get it done as well. it's pretty close to being one of the most impulsive things i've ever done!

i think i'll break this up into two parts. that's kinda of a lot of info to digest.
i feel pretty vulnerable putting some of this out there..
so i'm just gonna ask.. if you feel the need to comment something negative... think twice.
what will YOU gain from making me feel bad about something i've done/felt in my life?
we all have a path to walk in life, and this is mine.

xo-k

life: iphone envy

i do try to live my life without thinking the grass is greener on the other side.

really, i do.

honestly.

but sometimes, this side just looks ugly and brown......

 & no amount of squinting your eyes is going to make the green magically appear.

but before you think i'm rambling on about something significant, i'm just going to come right out with it.

i hate you iPhone users.

i hate you iPad owners.

i hate you fourth or fifth generation iPod touch people.

i hate you all.

because i'm a little 3 year old stomping my feet in a tantrum.

i'm completely jealous of you.

no matter how much my husband tries to convince me that android is better..

i AIN'T buying it.

and honestly.. forget all the techie crap..

because lord knows as long as the darn thing fires up & works when i want it to,

i could give a lick about the specs on it.

i don't speak geek in that sense..

here's why i'm really jealous.

1. i have an iPod touch. a first generation (ie. older than dirt in tech years) it does not have a camera on it like the new ones do. it does not have an external speaker on it like the new ones do. therefore new is better, and i'm as petty as a toddler in a tantrum to say so.

2. all the cool apps are iPhone. all the semi-cool apps for android are copycats & not near as impressive. (i don't care how you try to justify it to yourself android lovers, it just ain't the same!)

and these two:

julie of joy's hope & christina padilla?

ya, they ain't makin' it any easier on a girl.

julie with her insta- fridays & her lovely little beachy artsy 8mm films.

and christina with her ode to instagram & postal pix and how they are a scrapbookers bf. 

BLAAAAA!

8mm vintage camera app & instagram. 

for iPhone ONLY. 

selfish little... alsdf;asldkfj!!!

hmmpf. 

and now elise whom i just dearly love.. 

she's killing me too, as she's joined the band wagon.. 

i mean, just look at her video!  

and a SECOND 8mm camera app.

that makes TWO!!!

i can't even get ONE comparable on android.

it's just SO not fair.

(and totally all my hubs fault for being a pc snob!)

so......

are you an android or a iPhone user?

i promise not to send you hate mail if you admit you are an iPhone user. maybe.

but, if you are an android user

& you have thrown a tantrum or two about how unfair life as an android user is..

here's a little bone to carry you over until android gets their crap together!

our last can of formula..

(so not buying into the idea of milk..)

(the babe's birthday invites came in the mail today)

it's (as close as i can find) the android version of instagram.
it's called molome.
i've been using it the past few days & i can't say there is ANYTHING i dislike about it.
(even though it's not technically instagram... :)
you can shoot pictures from the app, or upload from your gallery.
you can post to twitter or facebook.
(i saw some complaining about flickr or picassa, but i don't use those)

and now i'll get over myself & move on.
maybe :)
back to address birthday invites.
three weeks and my baby is ONE!
yikes!

xo-k