thirty-two confessions: part 1

i've opened & closed a new post about three times over the past few days.
i have things i want to say, things i want to share...
but the words just aren't coming out of me yet..
and instead of forcing them, i'm going to give them time to come out on their own.

instead. i bring you thirty two confessions.
my birthday was last week, i turned thirty two.
it seems a little unreal that i'm an age i can remember my parents being.

so thirty-two confessions.
(things you may or may not have known about me.)

1. both of my children were conceived with the help of a fertility drug. we tried on our own for over a year with each, with no success, and i felt so helpless. i felt like God was sending me a message that i shouldn't be a parent, and days when i lose my patience & feel like the worst mother ever, i am reminded of that feeling all over again.

2. for all the pictures i take, and all the pictures i've taken that i absolutely love... i have not one single picture up in my house. none. not even a tabletop frame. it's mostly because i'm too cheap to buy picture frames.

3. i 'ran' away from home when i was 18. my mom embarrassed me in front of strangers & i overreacted. i left our place of business, went home & packed up a weeks worth of clothes. i headed straight for the only place i could think to go, the best friend's house. i say 'ran' away.. because within a few hours of being there, my mom called the bf's grandmother to make sure i was safe. because i'm just THAT lame about rebelling, she knew exactly where i'd be.

4. i can't remember being one of those little girls who dreams about growing up & getting married. i can remember being in love with alex p. keaton & thinking how cool it would be to be like 'kate & allie'. i apparently overlooked the fact they were both divorcee's & single parents. i also loved the facts of life... apparently i didn't catch the fact they went to an all girls school, cause that would have been lame.

5. ice cream is not safe in my house. i can take out a gallon in less than three days. that's a sad, embarrassing admission, but it's true. i am not ashamed to say i have eaten ice cream, for breakfast... i will however hide the fact that i'm eating it from my children.

6. i struggle with self confidence. despite the fact that i'm overweight, it has nothing to do with my appearance. it has to do with my abilities. cooking, parenting, blogging, crafting, scrapbooking, baking, photographing. i seek constant approval. when someone says they like a picture i posted, or comments on something i've baked, i feel like i can breathe after having held my breath forever.

7. i lost the three best friends i had in highschool, over the course of 4 years. because of this i'm insecure of how good of a friend i am.. i always second guess myself. (i do however, still have some friends from highschool, that have become wonderful friends)

8. i let my kids watch more than 30 minutes of tv a day. ya, even the baby. the tv is always on... but they are not always in front of it. i can't stand silence, sometimes it's the only way my head gets a break from itself.

9. i have a few things i'm 'good' at. scrapbooking, baking, photography, writing, embroidery, general crafting.... but i'm not GREAT at any one thing. some days i'd trade being able to do lots of things 'good' for the ability to do one thing AMAZING.

10. i struggle tremendously with faith. i want to believe. i want to feel His presence. i can't get in line with a church. i feel like if there is a God, a true all-seeing all-knowing divine being... then it wouldn't matter if you got yourself dressed to sit for an hour to 'act' like a christian... what would matter were the acts you did in your everyday life. my best friend said it right when she said 'going to church doesn't make you a christian anymore than standing in your garage makes you a car'. i believe that life is a miracle... that you should do your best to be a good person... that you should think beyond your own needs, and that with everything in nature, there is a balance... and so i believe there is evil in the world as well.
11. i have let my kids go to bed in the same clothes they wore all day, without a bath. no one is going to die if there is a crumb from funnel cake they ate at the carnival in their bed... or if there is chlorine in their hair from a day at the pool. i consider my being too tired to care about it when it happens, or their being so tired i have to tote them in from the car asleep, a day well lived. i can wash the sheets and THEM tomorrow.

12. i own an iron, but i don't iron. last thing i ironed was freezer paper to this tshirt. before that? it was more freezer paper to another tshirt in july.. and prior to that, i can't tell you when it was last used. that's why my dryer is my second most favorite household appliance next to my dishwasher.

13. i feel guilty because i am a stay at home mom, and i didn't make all rance's baby food from scratch. i don't have a good reason, other than it just didn't occur to me.

14. i have a irrational fear of the dentist, but i didn't always. i had two wisdom teeth out when i was 18/19... i had to have fill put in for a front tooth i chipped while horsing around with my brother & mom, around the same time. all of it was no big deal. but a few years ago i went in for my first check up since the dude was born (i know too long..) and they told me i had something like 10 cavities. it took everything i had to keep it together until i got in the car. i was hyperventilating & sobbing when i called my best friend (and boss at the time) to tell her i couldn't go back to work. when i called my mom after she thought someone had died i was so worked up. and just for the record, they both laughed at me once i got out that i had cavities.... for the first time in my life.. at 28. it only made the dreams i had through my first pregnancy of losing my teeth that much more scary when i had them again with my second child!

15. i REALLY REALLY want to open an esty shop. REALLY. but because i'm mediocre at soo many things, i have no idea what kind of stuff to make to sell..... and if i don't open a shop to sell, then no one can NOT buy from me.

16. i stopped blogging as much, not so much because i didn't have anything to say.. but because i was obsessed with the stats. i was so worried about how many people were viewing whatever it was that i was posting, that i felt like i was changing what i posted. i stopped posting personal stuff, because it seemed like no one was interested. i felt like i couldn't post unless it was a recipe or a craft. pinterest just made it that much worse. so i stepped away to regain some clarity on why i blog in the first place. it's to put those thoughts that i can't seem to verbalize out there. so i don't feel alone. even if no one answers.

17. once, when i was a kid, i hid for a few hours, i think to see if anyone noticed i was gone. i think i was about 12 or 13. i walked home from the bus stop, no one was home, took a book & a blanket & went and hid in the shed behind our house. it took a few hours, but i think someone finally came looking for me. and it was like 'oh, there you are.' it was really lame, but i think both of my parents were working two jobs at the time, and i just felt invisible & needed a little extra attention. i think about that sometimes & try to make a little extra time to invest in whatever the dude is doing..

(i should just clarify at this point... i have AMAZING parents. they both came from nothing & worked hard for what we had as kids... which meant they both worked two jobs... most of my childhood. that meant missed softball games & school events. they would have found the time to give me that extra attention, had i asked for it.. but i was an emotional teen (as well as an adult) and i think i probably acted like a little brat no one would want to be around, instead of coming to talk to them)

18. my husband & i argue in front of my kids. i know what you are thinking.. that's bad, right? we don't fight about something that deals with the kids, i should make that clear. we argue about little things. i always believed kids shouldn't see their parents fight. i never saw mine fight... but i honestly don't know that my parents have EVER argued. EVER. when the hubs & i first got married we used to fight all the time. i had never lived away from home, neither of us had ever lived with anyone else, he was in the military, we had NO money, and i was NOT digging the 'doting housewife' crap he was trying to lay on me. i thought all the fighting meant we shouldn't have gotten married, because, like i said, my parents never fought. i want my kids to see a healthy relationship, so they don't go through what i went through. i want them to see that two people who love each other can disagree & get passed it. i want them to see the whole picture.

19. i was devastated when i found out that rance was a boy. and with that, i felt tremendously guilty because even though i was incredibly grateful to be pregnant, i was disappointed with the gender, while others were still TRYING to get pregnant. i made my husband, who was excited, keep it a secret for almost a month until i could get my emotions under control. i didn't tell anyone, not my best friend or my mom. i felt so ashamed. we took mason to the ultrasound & he told his teacher the next day he wanted to make his mama a card because i was upset because i was having a boy. this is NOT something i/we said to him... but at 5 he apparently read through the tears & my emotions afterwards. i still feel guilty when i think about it, because i couldn't imagine loving any child more or differently than i love rance. i put this out there because i felt SO alone until i find a message board that talked about gender disappointment. it was a comfort to know that i wasn't the only one struggling.

20. on valentine's day...a  long long time ago (12 or 13 years ago maybe?) my friend heather & i took a trip to daytona beach with the sole purpose of her getting her tongue pierced. i watched her do it, cringed when they put the barbel in, and thought she was crazy. 10 minutes after we left & were walking down the boardwalk we turned around & went back so i could get it done as well. it's pretty close to being one of the most impulsive things i've ever done!

i think i'll break this up into two parts. that's kinda of a lot of info to digest.
i feel pretty vulnerable putting some of this out there..
so i'm just gonna ask.. if you feel the need to comment something negative... think twice.
what will YOU gain from making me feel bad about something i've done/felt in my life?
we all have a path to walk in life, and this is mine.

xo-k