things i'm afraid to tell you: 6.15.12
i read this post by michelle over at scissor quirk.. then jumped over to the blog she linked as her inspiration goodnight little spoon. both posts were refreshing. there is something about bloggers who let you in on the downs in their lives that's refreshing. if i'm honest, those blogs that i keep going back to, they are full of the downs. i relate to the downs. and it always makes those ups soo much more sweet.
i know i've done something similar in my confessions post sometime last year, even though i never finished out the list.. but i wanted to do it again. so here goes. things i'm afraid to tell you.
//i'm kind of addicted to facebook. let me clarify. i'm addicted to social media. instagram. blogs. facebook. that's not to be confused with sitting on my butt all day watching feeds.. but i do check them probably more than the normal person. why? because somehow it makes me feel like i've got more social interaction going on than i do. i'm such a homebody i never thought i'd be so starved for adult interaction & conversation. but i am. funny thing is, when i get the opportunity for adult conversation, i never seem to have much to talk about!
//i have a hard time saying no. anytime someone asks me to do something, i say yes. most of the time without even thinking it through. often times that leads to disagreements between the hubs & i. i never thought of myself as a people pleaser, but i pretty much would do anything for the people i surround myself with... so saying yes just seems like the right thing to do to show i care. he isn't against me doing things for our friends & family... but sometimes i forget to consider how whatever i've agreed to will affect him, and that's not fair to him. i'm trying to be better about thinking things through first.
//i leave dirty dinner dishes in the sink overnight. it's against everything my mom ever taught me, and i'd be humiliated if i died in the night & someone had to swoop in & clean up after me... but i still do it. i try to rationalize it by saying that after the kids are bathed & in bed i have to take the time for me.. but i still wouldn't want anyone to come visit me after 8pm & see my kitchen.
//sometimes i feel guilty that i don't go to church..or that i don't take the kids to church. i have such mixed feelings about religion vs. organized religion, that when i start to consider everything my head & heart hurt. most days i'm not sure what i believe, and that sort of scares me. i was raised baptist, and shouldn't have any mixed feelings... but i do. i believe in kindness. i believe in seeking out the good in people. i felt such a huge amount of relief when during a phone conversation with my brother recently, he admitted to having the same doubts. here was someone raised the same as i was, having the same thoughts. it was such a comfort. he recommended i read a book called 'blue like jazz' that he had just read. i just haven't picked it up yet.
//on the religion thing.. i read this post from a blogger, who i will not point at.. that said she wasn't going to read 'fifty shades' because 'decent' people shouldn't read it. she went further to say that it was a sin to read it & God wouldn't approve, etc, etc. the whole thing made me incredibly angry. i wanted to post that i was a DECENT person & that i read it.. but there were SO many comments in her favor, i felt like it would be putting myself in the line of fire. i had to step away & calm myself. it felt like one of those arguments where 'Christian's' claim God hates gays. i never was taught about a God who hated anyone or anything, so i just don't get that. (it's part of my problem with organized religion) i wanted to tout something about how the next thing would be burning the book in an effigy, and remind them that at one point in history the bible, the sacred BOOK, was banned & burned. i'm not trying to be an advocate for the book. i'm not going to force it down any one's throat. a few years ago, i would have been totally uncomfortable reading it. my issue is with the fact that this person thinks that reading a work of fiction makes me NOT a decent person. i have a friend that i met online, who is very involved in her church, and whom i respect a great deal.. she is an avid reader, a fantastic mother, and someone who inspires me... and never once has she condemned me for my book choices. (you know who you are ;)
//i don't watch the news because my heart can't take it. the world is so depressing & oppressing sometimes i can't take it. literally. if i watched the news i would curl up into the fetal position & hide in my bathtub & never come out. woman microwaving their babies. teachers convincing kids to cut themselves to release evil spirits. a new tv show called 'i killed my bff'. (i mean, is there really enough of those situations to make a tv show out of it?!!) i feel like such a lame-ass because i avoid the bad stuff, but i don't know how to help.
//i have no ambition in life, and that makes me feel like a loser. i feel defective because i don't have a 'goal' in life. that same friend from above, talked me through the decision to become a stay at home mom. she comes from a community where NOT being a stay at home mom is the exception to the rule. while it was always a dream of mine to have kids & a family, i haven't (in two years) felt like it's acceptable to NOT have some other attainable goal in life. it makes me sad that i feel this way, 'cause i know it's a reflection of societies placement of success on wealth. it's not about the money for me. i'm perfectly proud of our small house & modest accomplishments. i'm EXTREMELY proud of my husband for carrying us. i'm just not shouting 'i'm a stay at home mama' from the rooftops.
//more than the fact that i'm always the photographer, you don't often see pictures of me because i'm ashamed of how i've ended up. pictures have always been like reality slapping me fast & hard across the face. but it makes me sad that there aren't more pictures of us together as a family, or me with the kids, because of my shame. it's one of the MANY reasons i'm not giving in or giving up this fight with my health. doctors, genetics, & my two-post baby aging body be damned, i've taken things into my own hands to figure out what works for me. (& so far so good)
there ya have it. all the stuff weighing so heavy on my heart that i can't seem to open my mouth about it. lately i've resorted to becoming the court jester vs. letting onto what's going on inside. obviously that's not healthy, so here it is. (well, most of it, anyways)
what are you afraid to say?